Are You Living Or Performing?

There's a lie that we all live by that burns my britches (or rather, my pajama bottoms, since that's what I'm wearing at the moment), and it's this:

“Good leaders (parents, entrepreneurs… put in whatever you want here) have all the answers.”

We can give lip service to knowing it's not true, and we may even say it out loud, but let's be honest, inside, there's that nagging voice that says, 

“You schmuck, you should know this.” 

We have literally been taught that strength looks like invincibility. That if you're struggling, doubting yourself, or feeling overwhelmed, you must be inadequate. 

And the programming is so strong that, though we may be exhausted on the inside, we perform on the outside. We wear the mask. We pretend to have confidence we don't feel. We don't even realize that we're making decisions from ego instead of wisdom. 

This is yet another example of what I call sophisticated sleepwalking™. On the outside, we look polished, capable, and successful. On the inside, we're disconnected from ourselves — fearful, empty, running on autopilot.

But I think it's safe to say, by the looks of leadership today, that the most admirable leaders aren't the ones who have all the answers. 

Personally, I performed the role of “the expert” for years. I loved being a psychotherapist and having that “knowledge.”  I looked like I had it all together (and in some ways, I did), and I certainly wasn't intentionally putting on an act. 

But my conditioning to need to have all the answers created such anxiety that many of my decisions were driven by a fear of what others would think, or a need for people to know that I wasn't the hot mess I felt like inside.

When I look back now, I think about how self-important all that anxiety was. Why should I have all the answers? Why should you?

Don't mistake humanity for inadequacy; we're all human, and that comes with inherent limitations.  

Now, please do not read this and go undercutting yourself when you do feel confident, because that's just more of the same — that too is performance. 

The reality is that if we want to shift our culture—whether it's business, family, or the world—true authenticity and humility are contagious. If you do it, others will follow suit.

This week, I invite you to look at one area of your life where your ego or fear of rejection or whatever it is, is running the show.

Maybe it's in a team meeting. Maybe it's how you handle conflict at home. Maybe it's as simple as choosing where to go to dinner and trying too hard to please your friends. Notice when you're letting anxiety get the better of you, pause, and plug into a deeper knowing. 

(Again, oversharing and collapsing into hot mess mode isn't authenticity.) 

Trust me, the world doesn't need any more “perfect.”